From the Triage Desk

Have you ever had one of those mornings where it feels impossible to get your child out the door to school?  It can be stressful, overwhelming, and set an unpleasant tone for the rest of the day.  If you’re lucky, those mornings are far and few between. But for some parents, every single day starts this way.

School avoidance or refusal is a pattern where children have an incredibly difficult time leaving their home and family to attend school.  Typically, this stems from anxiety caused by bullying, concern over school performance, a recent loss or change in routine (death of a loved one, hospitalization, parents’ divorce, etc.), sensory overwhelm, or an untreated mental illness. 

Simple activities like getting dressed, getting in the car, or stepping onto the bus/into the school can become a battle, filled with tears, crying, anger, or complaints of stomachaches and headaches.

As a parent, managing this experience each morning can be exhausting.  You know your child must attend school, you need to get to work, and you just don’t know what to do.  The good news is, you’re not alone, and there are strategies and people who can help.

First, make sure your child’s teacher and school social worker are aware of the situation.  Often, they can arrange to have a familiar face greet your child each morning to ease the transition between home and school.  Allowing your child to have a safe and friendly adult to check in with each day may offer them a sense of comfort when they can’t be with you.

Next, remind them of other times they have done hard or brave things successfully.  Were they nervous to try out for the soccer team and then made it?  Did they go onstage for their dance recital even with butterflies in their stomach?  Did they successfully make it through a night away from you when they slept over at Grandma and Grandpa’s house?  Show them evidence that they can work through difficult moments and persevere.

Use “and” statements to show them how confident YOU are in their abilities and that two things can be true at the same time.  “I know this feels hard AND I believe in you and your strength.”  You can use those same “and” statements to show empathy while setting a firm boundary.  “I see that you are struggling this morning AND we still need to go to school.  I love you very much and will be right here when you get home to hear all about your day.  I am looking forward to our time together this afternoon!”

For younger children, try having them name their worry.  Sometimes calling a worry by a silly name and identifying it when it pops up shows them that their worry is not THEM, just a part of them that can be overcome and quieted with practice. Have them practice telling their worry, “You’re not invited to school with me today.  You need to stay home!” If they’re old enough to write, they might practice writing out the things they are anxious about and then physically putting those written words into a box that they can close and put away.

Try to stay calm and not shame, punish, or compare when you are frustrated.  We are all human, and though it can be incredibly challenging to stay calm in moments like these, an adult who is in control and grounded is far more effective.  Praise your child when mornings go well and let them know you love them no matter what. 

If you have tried these strategies or enlisted the help of teachers and other school professionals to no avail, or if you are concerned that your child has a more serious issue that needs to be addressed, please reach out to your pediatrician.  We are happy to discuss your concerns with you to see how we can help!

Resources:

https://instituteofchildpsychology.com/school-refusal-what-it-is-why-it-happens-and-what-to-do/

https://childmind.org/article/when-kids-refuse-to-go-to-school